Category Archives: Jose Canseco

Jose and Ozzie try to get laid

The following is an excerpt from Ron Darling’s book 108 stitches

Big pimpin’ (that’s Toni in the middle.)

My time in Oakland introduced me to some of the game’s greatest characters, Cassanovas, too. High on both lists was Jose Canseco, who’d already been a perennial All Star and was MVP by the time I joined the club. This was back before the time of steroids tarnished Jose’s reputation– and with it his fellow “Bash Brother” Mark McGwire, who followed Jose’s 1986 Rookie of the Year campaign with one of his own in 1987. The two sluggers were like princes of the Bay Area who could do no wrong in the eyes of the A’s fans, who loved to watch them bash the shit out of the ball, then bash the shit out of each other in celebration each time one of them bashed another of their mammoth home runs.

What a lot of folks forget about Jose Canseco is that he had a twin brother named Ozzie, who briefly played for the A’s as well. I’ll never forget it though–not just because Ozzie was bouncing around the Oakland organization during my time with the club, but because of the particular ways he and his brother bounced…or, guess I should say, because of the particular ways they rolled.

My first wife, Toni, and I stepped into the elevator at the team hotel one evening, just as Jose and Ozzie were stepping off. We greeted each other on the fly, they were in some kind of hurry–off to paint the town Kelly green and gold, I guess.

As the elevator doors closed behind us, Toni looked at me and asked if those two guys were twins.

I said, “Yeah, they’re twins.”

She said, “Well, they both tried to pick me up.”

I said, “Welcome to the big leagues.”



Canseco and Cap’n Crunch

I was standing in the queue at the local health food store with my basket full of over-priced, organic, local, vegan, cage-free crap when suddenly I was struck by a haze of fog known as boredom reminiscing. This phenomenon, where synapses are sparked by everyday mundane activities, usually takes me back to the 80’s and a much more simpler time before parents were “enlightened helicopters” and kids started bringing guns to school to solve their commonplace problems.

While in this haze I’m begging my mother to buy me Cap’n Crunch, if only because of the 2 free baseball cards inside. She obviously isn’t very modern, (alas, this is the 80’s, stick with me here) so she doesn’t know what the hell organic means, and her idea of a “healthy snack” would be a syrupy granola bar with chocolate chips or a fruit cup. The only reason she’s debating this is because she can buy the very same, generic version at a much, much cheaper price by the hideously uninspired name of Crispy Crunch. Well, this was a complication of epic proportions for a 12 year old. There was no chance of getting a fucking Jose Canseco or Mark McGwire card in a box of Crispy Crunch. What to do?

I’m startled out of this mini psychedelic trip by the impatient, too-cool-for-school checker with dreadlocks and a Nirvana t-shirt. She had been calling out to me, and like an idiot I was standing there, in a daze, thinking about the time I wanted to eat a box of sugar- laden crap in order to obtain pieces of cardboard with the likeness of guys who injected steroids in their ass so they could look like Greek gods, break a bunch of records and hit the ball out of the goddamn stratosphere.

Wasn’t it great?


Jessica Canseco gives the 411 on Jose’s dong.

The following was taken from Jessica Canseco’s book, “Juicy: Confessions of a former baseball wife.”…we kissed for awhile and I relaxed a little, but then I looked down and saw his weiner. It didn’t look like any weiner I had seen before. It was big and uncircumcised, and I thought it was one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen. But as soon as it got hard all the skin pulled back and it looked pretty magnificent. I don’t remember much about the sex. We made love in the standard position. I’m from a farm in Middle America. We didn’t get a lot of Latinos with uncircumcised wieners there. I also thought about his testicles, but it seems Jose’s were unusually small. (editors note: this is called testicular atrophy and can be linked to steroid use)

I’m just a gun cleanin’ fool.

jose This is a short piece of fiction inspired by a very poignant moment of reality.


God, I love Leila.

Sounds like she is feeding the dogs right now. Jesus, those tits are amazing.

They are talking about ebola on the radio. I’ve been feeling feverish lately. I need to get that checked out. Ebola….that sounds funny.

Leila wanted to go get a”falafel” earlier. I had no idea what she was talking about. “Middle Eastern food,” she says. I wanted a Cuban sandwich.

The dogs are barking. Neighbor is fussing around in her backyard. I wonder if she knows I’m famous?

Puma puntu…or is it Punku? I just know that it fascinates me. Wow. How’d they do that?



“You’re  a lot to handle…sometimes I just give up. But I’m all you have. You don’t have anybody else in your life.” Leila told me this earlier. She’s probably right. I need to call my manager about that autograph session later this week.

I do not think Mr 50/50 is born or conceived yet. God, I love Leila….her ass is amazing. Yummy.

I would love to be the hitting coach of the Oakland A’s. I love Oakland; the fans made me feel wanted again at the reunion.

Leila is cooking something. God, I love her. Wow. I made my Major League debut a year before she was born.

I think I need to clean my guns. I was the first man to achieve 40/40…perhaps I can be the first man to clean 4 guns at one time…..





Jose Canseco is an “atheist- Scientologist.”

   this was stolen from Vice Magazine and was actually written by Canseco himself….

If there’s only supposed to be one God, why are there so many religions? Why are there so many beliefs? Why do certain beliefs clash with others? I’m just confused about the whole thing. And if God made man in his image, then what image is God? Is God black, white, or Chinese? Is God a woman? A midget? I mean: What isGod? To me religion is a scam, a way to control society. It doesn’t make any sense. It does not make any sense.

I question the fact that there are a million reasons why there supposedly is a God, but people are hesitant to explore the reasons why there might not be a God. For example, why do most girls have their first period before they’re 13? Why do girls have periods so early in life? If there was a God, this might be different. Our society tries to put religious stipulations on sex, but biology has different plans. What does it mean for a girl to have her period? That means she’s ready to have sex and give birth, right? But, depending on which state you live in, our laws say you can’t have sex till you are 16 or whatever. A lot of times our laws contradict what our God—if there is a God—says. The whole system is backward, messed up, and corrupt.

There are no buts about it. The government has been mixed with religion. The most confusing part is that many different religions believe in one God, but some don’t. It’s like, which god should I believe in? Which one is the best? With some religions you have to pick a god and the others you ignore. What’s that about?

I will admit that it’s weird to believe that there is no God and nothing after death. Is that why religion was invented? Is it because people think life is so bad, there has to be something after death—something different? What if there is no life after death? What if it’s just blackness? I for one believe there is no afterlife. We’re just like cockroaches. It’s real simple: Dying is like never being born. Do you understand now? It’s the same thing.

I’ve always been a really common-sense type of man. Long ago I figured out that religion doesn’t make sense. If there was a God, why is there so much pain and suffering and so many wars? Science says man was created of, by, and for evil. If God exists, then God rules the heavens, and Satan rules the earth. Terror. We’re born of evil. As little kids what’s the word we always hear? No. We always hear no. “No, don’t do that. Don’t do this. No. No. No. Don’t.” This is because most of the human species is evil. We’re born of Satan, of Earth. Some get it a lot quicker. Some don’t get it at all: namely, those who commit crimes, murderers, and rapists. They do not get anything, and yet these are the people who will never convert. Darkness reigns.

I’m an atheist-Scientologist. It’s really simple. The reason why I look toward Scientology as an acceptable alternative is because it’s a religion mostly based on science and fact. I think Scientology is closer to atheism than anything else. I don’t believe in cosmos or agnosticism. I believe there’s just life on Earth and then you die. It’s the same as never being born. I think religions are cults. They’re cliques; they’re gangs. They know how to control the masses.

I haven’t examined each religion in detail to know if one is worse. I think every religion is hypocritical. If you don’t agree with one, then you’re fighting against another. Religions confuse people. People’s religions aren’t based on fact. They’re more like theories about what may have happened in the past. Religion is a form of brainwashing.