Asterisks Beer Review While Vaxxed as F*ck

Bang. Bang.

I know the threat of the Oakland Athletics moving to a different city looms in the shadows, but it would be inconsequential to comment here until the Oakland City Council votes on the matter on July 20th. The readers of this blog already know my feelings concerning billionaire flim-flam artists and John Fisher is no exception. 

***

I finally got my second vaxx shot, so I commended my new precursor to freedom and the ending of covid-induced hibernation by buying a few beers and a new collectable Skeletor as my companion and I drove through the winding, craggy hills singing Don Henley’s “Dirty Laundry” at the top of our lungs. (Subsequently, I was confused by her public animosity of the Eagles, but love of a few choice Henley songs)  It’s scorching and humid and we are glistening as a result. There was an excursion to Taco Bell, a food I hadn’t eaten in well over a decade, and I felt as if  I was eating toxic sludge with notes of acidic regurgitation, but I needed sustenance before we went to a party bursting at the seams with a certain titular clique of Southern socialites. Not my cup of tea as a breezy West Coaster, although I was looking forward to imbibing on the Southern Belle, The Alabama Slammer, and The High Noon Old Fashion  which would perhaps loosen me up for the plethora of “ya’alls” and stiff posturing that would be heaved my way. How did I end up here?

“Did you ever notice that Donna Summer looks like Rick James without a mustache?” she said.

 ***

Are my readers tired of the pseudo-intellectual baseball pundit gibberish constantly shoved down their throats? Perhaps, but if you can’t dazzle them with your brilliance, then baffle them with your bullshit regarding “pre-gaming” and cliche sports blog financed beer reviews– but color me naive as I have not received one thin red dime for my efforts here. 

And as I was standing in the store aisle, blankly staring, and confused by the dizzying array of choices, I  gave in and decided to try the Houston Asterisks sponsored Crawford Bock, and my immediate impression was that it reminded me of a sort of piss-infused Newcastle. I found it to be rather bland for an attempt at a bock, and about as safe and by the books as you can get without going the dreaded “light beer” path. This is an attempt at making baseball fans that are used to drinking traditional lifeless, stodgy beer feel sophisticated by drinking a trendy, “craft beer” when this is the farthest thing from it. It’s a damn good metaphor for their baseball team–style over substance and pure surface trickery. I felt in the end I was paying for the can with its retro-rainbow Nolan Ryan era motif more than anything, and in the tradition of the organization, felt cheated. Not Recommended. 

13 thoughts on “Asterisks Beer Review While Vaxxed as F*ck

  1. Anonymous

    The metaphor is clever, Coco, and the entire last paragraph is especially well-crafted (even if the beer is not).

    I never heard of Crawford Bock, so after reading your piece I went to the brewer’s Web site. First, they wanted me to submit a birthdate to prove I was of legal drinking age. I made up a date and was allowed entrance. Thank God our minors are protected.

    The brewer’s description of Crawford Bock reads like it was written by someone who never read good writing nor saw a baseball game. It says: “What’s even easier than jacking a dinger into the Crawford Boxes? How about cracking open a delicious Crawford Bock? Karbach Crawford Bock is so smooth you can easily stretch that single into a double. Pairs perfectly with peanuts, stadium dogs and a good seventh inning stretch.”

    Oh, yes, the brewer also added that a portion of proceeds from every Crawford Bock sold goes to the Astros Foundation.

    Would love to know how much of a portion and how the foundation uses the money, but nonetheless you can take heart in knowing you contributed in some small way to a cause.

    Reply
    1. Gary Trujillo Post author

      Thanks. I kind of didn’t want to go that route because it’s sort of a sports blog cliche, but what the hell. You’ll probably see more of these in the future. Thanks for the comment!

      Reply
      1. Art of the Beat

        I used to frequent breweries based on their reviews and some of them may have been paid for cause I drank several over the years that tasted the way you described that asterisks beer, Their reviews said they had a bite or a little zing….urgh

  2. Steve Myers

    Hey Gary. glad to hear you got the second dose. i’m scheduled to get mine in early august. i know it might be all some invisible conspiracy, a “create disease so the pharma companies can provide a cure” or some other nefarious motive, but whatever, i don’t want to get sick and i don’t want friends to get sick either.

    i wish the mlb would do what they have to do to make sure the a’s stay in oakland……the franchise traveling cross country, from one coast to the other, from philly to kc to oakland…that in itself is something wonderful and then the back to back to back ws titles in the early 70’s and the 80’s larussa bash brothers to more recently, finding a roster on the cheap and winning winning winning. I know all crumbles and dies and disappears but it behooves the mlb to do something to keep the a’s in oakland, at least till the end of the world.

    me reading of your beer night out is perfect timing. i had been drinking whisky for the last few years, too much, everyday after work and recently i decided to stop, strangely after seeing that netflix show Wild Wild Country. but sobriety didn’t last very long, only a week. tonight i bought a six pack of milwaukee best and now i’m tasting this beer and god, it’s good.

    Cheers to you…as always, great post!

    Reply
    1. Gary Trujillo Post author

      I would hope the A’s would stay in Oakland until the apocolypse or the sun envelops the earth, whatever comes first, but damned if I wouldn’t die of shock if something in this world actually worked out. Oh well, it’s just capitalism I guess, but a lot of nostalgia and memories would go along with the green and gold. If they did leave I would have to be patient until the inevitable triumphant return right before I’m about to become worm food. Unless the Expos come to Oakland? The world is so chaotic and full of conspiracies and lies nothing surprises me anymore. Anyway. thanks for the awesome comment.

      Reply
  3. Double K

    “Yes, but Rick had better hair,” he answered her as the opening musical notes from “Superfreak” coincidentally sprang from the radio and began to drown out poor, uncool Don Henley.

    Well done. And as an occasional sampler of craft beers, I too look forward to more of your baseball-related beer reviews surely with compensation forthcoming once word spreads amongst the brew-master community of a young and upcoming future cicerone penning a blog on the side dedicated to Coco Crisp.
    I’d be curious how many major league cities have some sort of baseball-themed beer for their respective franchise.

    Reply
    1. Gary Trujillo Post author

      This is an awesome comment! Thanks, man. Me thinks Budweiser emblazons the logo of the local MLB team on the cans in whatever respective area, but in the end it’s just Budweiser and not that special “Astros approved piss-water.”

      Reply

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